By Elaine Cassel

Nearly half of all marriages in the United States end in divorce, creating challenges not just for the adults involved, but also for their children. Though divorce may sometimes be good for parents, psychological research leaves little doubt that most children of divorce don’t receive much good from it. Many children of divorce have scars for years, maybe even for life. It might even affect how long they live; the Terman Life Cycle Study, a study of longevity, found that people who had experienced parental divorce during childhood died an average of four years earlier than those whose close social relationships had been less stressful (Bernstein et al., 2006).

The oddly titled movie The Squid and the Whale stars Jeff Daniels and Laura Linney as Bernard and Joan, bitter, unhappy parents who both think the grass is greener on the other side of their marriage. Linney’s character has found success as a writer, upstaging her husband, played by Jeff Daniels, a once-successful writer who thinks he is still going to write the great American novel. Unfortunately, only he and his oldest son Walt are the ones who think that.

Bernard and Joan have each had their dalliances before they decide to split, and their decision to disclose their indiscretions to the children is not something that most psychologists recommend. It is, in common parlance, too much information for their teenage sons to know.

Anyone who has ever been involved in a divorce, either a parent, child, or bystander, will wince at the scene in which Bernard tells the boys how much fun it will be to live with both parents—equally dividing each week between both of their homes. Of course parents need to try to put this spin on their decision that they will “share” their children, but what about the children? As teenage boys, they have a great interest in where they spend their time. But, as is often too typical, the parents don’t ask the boys what kind of schedule would suit them. This scenario reminds us that in terms of the law, the “best interest of the children” mantra is often lost to what sometimes seems to be the higher law of children as property that parents can—and do— fight over. Yet, they fight over them because they love them, and don't want their relationship to change. But change it must, and this change, in its own way, is as painful for the parents as it is for their sons.

Adding to the pain of the movie is the fact that these very immature parents embarrass their teenage boys by “fooling around,” their mother with their tennis coach and their father with one of his students (also Walt’s crush). Again, the boys have to live with the self-centered, immature behavior of their parents, who, while enjoying their new sexual freedom, seem to forget that their behaviors make them often appear to be the same age as their sons.

In addition to dealing with their parents and their issues, the boys face their own interpersonal and behavioral challenges that may or may not be exacerbated by their parents’ divorce. Did Walt “learn” to treat his girlfriend shabbily from his parents’ behavior toward each other? Is the younger son Frank’s sexually acting-out and drinking a manifestation of anger, anxiety, even loneliness attributable to his parents’ situation? We can’t say for sure, although research indicates that a high proportion of people who were young adolescents when their parents divorced have trouble with romantic relationships; some are unable to form committed relationships years later (Bernstein et al., 2006). However, Walt and Frank show hints of resilience, a personal characteristic that permits successful development in the face of significant challenges. We imagine that Frank and Walt, as do most children of divorce, develop coping skills that help them weather the immediate storm and become emotionally stronger for the experience.”

In the present tense, the divorce is not a good thing. It is one more challenge facing the boys at a time in their lives when they face plenty of challenges. Studies indicate, however, that one of the most important factors about children’s adjustment to divorce is how their parents resolve conflict. After a rough start, these parents come around, learn from their mistakes, and become better former spouses and parents as a result. To the extent that everyone benefits from pain and hard lessons, in the long term the divorce, while not being necessarily a good event, presented an opportunity to learn, grow, and establish stronger familial ties.

Reference: Bernstein, D.A., Penner, L. A., Clarke-Stewart, A., & Roy, E. J. Psychology, 7 th ed. Boston: Houghton-Mifflin: 2006.

Elaine Cassel, Marymount University and Lord Fairfax Community College